Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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