just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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