There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
