You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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