I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
