just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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