I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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