I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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