Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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