if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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