if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ttyl tear gas
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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