i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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