I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
