I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
