I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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