Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
