I'm eating all of the evidence.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
