is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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