I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
