I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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