I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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