you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
