I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We were destined to go to rehab together
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
