The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
