guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You can't just leave with hair like that
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
