Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
