YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
