well I can't set my house on fire every night
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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