You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
