He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she peed on how many people?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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