I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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