Im at strip club and am horny
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
