If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
