I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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