Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
