I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
