He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
