Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
