Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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