Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize