it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
