Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
