There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
