Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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