Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
