90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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