My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
