i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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