Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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