Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
