you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
