If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Randomize
