Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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