the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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