hotel room ftw
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
