So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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