Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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