I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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