The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
