is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
