My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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